From Self-Blame to Self-Compassion

“My burning heart, may your love and longing bring peace to me and to everyone in this world” (detail). Photo illustration ©2019 Lubosh Cech

I recently watched a movie where a few friends got together before a dangerous mission that could potentially kill them. "Do you have any regrets in your life?" says one of them suggesting making their peace. "If so, speak of them now."

Hmmm, do I have any regrets? I thought. 

Revisiting the many past events of my life I might regret, I conclude: No, all those mishaps, stupidity, ignorance and hurtful things I've done to myself and others were the results of my unripeness and my limited consciousness at the time. That I didn't and couldn't know what I now know, so many years later. 

It's not the regrets I carry in my heart. This feels more like a breeze of nostalgia mixed with curiosity as I'm imagining what could have been. From the multitude of choices I've been constantly faced with, choosing just one at a time shaped the trajectory of the rest of my life.

But what if I chose wrong? 

As I contemplate this, my nostalgia for what could have been quickly morphs into self compassion. 

Regret is the child of self blame and self blame is born from misunderstanding. 

It would be foolish to expect the unripe fruit to mature into its full, ripe sweetness before its time. Yet, we often believe that "we should have known better" and blame ourselves (self punish) for what has been in fact a learning experience aiding our growth. 

We all came to this world as a not-so-clean slate, carrying the burdens, joys, traumas and hopes of our ancestors. We were molded and imprinted by our caregivers and the societal beliefs. From the beginning of our lives, we took on the perpetuity of what we were given. 

As we grow and move forward in time, we have countless opportunities to either reinforce or transmute our conditioning. In this process, we keep learning by trial and error, from our choices and their consequences. 

While it's important to take a full responsibility for our actions, regret has no place in evaluating our lives.

Regret is not useful. It holds us back, keeping us stuck in the past. This impedes our ability to be fully open to the new possibilities for our unfolding lives. 

Every one of us is like those movie characters. We are on a mission, heading toward a certain death.

What is more useful? Regretting what could have been in the past or imagining what could be ahead as we are ripening into the sweetness of maturity.

Another choice to make. What do you choose? 

I don't remember if the group of friends in the movie survived or perished. Actually, it wasn't a good movie. But I have no regrets watching it.